Archive for May, 2009
Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)
I probably liked this movie more than The Ramble would lead you to believe but I already wrote the review last week when I didn’t like it as much so sue me.
Blah.
THE RAMBLE: Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)
Why did I have to see that penis? Really, why? That’s when trying to capture your real life gets in the way of making an objective, quality product. And I’m talking directly to you, writer and star Jason Segel. Just because one time some chick broke up with you in real life while your were naked doesn’t mean you need to swang your wang around in your movie. Your penis didn’t add anything. And it should have. At least if you wanted us to believe that every scene was motivated and necessary. But I doubt that’s what you intended in the first place, so screw it… Mila Kunis looks like a little, younger, more energized Angelina Jolie, doesn’t she? I thoroughly enjoyed her, but it was difficult getting Meg Griffin out of my head all through the film, as I had just finished watching the Family Guy season finale beforehand. Nonetheless, me like you Mila. Me like you a lot. But I agree with Russell Brand that it is completely unbelievable that your dating Mr. Home Alone (1990) himself. (I call this girl at my favorite gelato place Macaulay because she wears really, really tight pants, but that’s really neither here nor there.) … Completely slow in the beginning. One of the few times where a lack of ambient sound or score actually hurts a flick… Are you wondering if that topless photo of Mila was real? No. No it wasn’t. Sorry, I feel your pain… Horrible green screening during a couple beach scenes. You could tell because the lighting in the foreground on the actors was constant and flat while the background didn’t match whatsoever. Just a horrible, horrible job… The theme to “The Muppet Show” should always be sung drunk from now on… You fooled me, Russell Brand. I didn’t think you could act. But you can. And you made me laugh. Me like to laugh, Russell Brand. Thank you, you filthy animal… ONE MISSED CALL (2008) SUCKED HARD! Thank you, FSM, for pointing that out once again… I don’t know how many more movies Judd Apatow’s gang has in them, but I have to admit they’re doing a pretty good job right now. Paul Rudd, Jonah Hill, Bill Hader (by extension): Good work. That’s all… Another plot problem: Don’t know where Kristen Bell’s whole rant about how horrible Segel’s character was in the past came from, but it sucked and added nothing to the film. Poor excuse for trying to create character depth and conflict halfway through the movie when it should have been done right in the beginning. Another reason you shouldn’t be writing by yourself, Segel. I’m simmering… Random likes: Not making lemonade, murdering pigs and “More Than Words” all Hawaiian-styled out… Come to think of it, there are just a lot of random side gags thrown in to flesh out the plot and add comic relief. But none of the gags are motivated or really necessary. And that is NOT good. And that is another reason Segel should not write by himself. Beginning to boil… No need for violent Hawaiian boyfriend cameo. Just another loose end that added nothing to the movie… Okay ending. I guess as good as we could have hoped for because it at least wasn’t fairytale or sugar-coated… And the dumbest thing of all: THE STOCK EX-GIRLFRIEND THAT MESSES STUFF UP SCENE! COME ON! What the hell was that? You really couldn’t think of a different sort of conflict to push the picture toward the climax?! You really had to do the obviously cliche thing by letting the protagonist screw up all his progress by giving into the stupid ex that he supposedly had just gotten over the previous evening by consummating his relationship with his new lady?! REALLY! This sucked. And this is the main reason that Segel should NEVER be allowed to write scripts by himself again…
POP! I just spilled out of the pot and all over the floor and burnt my toes. And I really enjoy my un-burnt toes!
You did it to me, Segel. You made me enjoy your poorly written movie mostly because you cast it well with your buddies and let me ogle Mila Kunis for two hours even though your penis played a prominent and non-necessary role throughout. I don’t really have much more to say than that. Segel: I guess I’ll see you again in I Love You, Man (2009) or in that train wreck of a Muppet project you’ll be massacring in the next few years. So until that time, please heed these words:
Blah.
Is Anybody There? (2008)
THE RAMBLE: Is Anybody There (2008)
IAT? is a buddy movie, and a touchingly soft one at that. The little kid, Edward, and the old magician, Clarence, complement each other perfectly. Their relationship is fittingly awkward at times, even uneasy but never cliched or exaggerated. The strength in the story lies in their almost friendship and the fact that it must end before it ever gets the chance to reach its potential. Like the friendship, the movie just throws off sparks at times but never catches fully ablaze, and this is a really good thing. We often get more from anticipation than actualization, I think. But there I go sounding all deep and stuff. For shame… I didn’t like the little kid, Bill Milner. Personally. I don’t think he was a bad actor, I just didn’t like him. Too smug. Too ??? I don’t know, really. Just didn’t like him that much… Kind of fitting that Michael Caine recently announced his retirement. It’s coincidental to see him in a role like this and then hear that news. I wonder if this part helped him make his decision? I wonder if it made his life all too real for him? He’s still supremely talented and professional, and I thoroughly enjoy watching him in everything. Good work, Sir. We’re going to miss you, Alfred, or Alfie for short… Great stuff with the old people. All very real, likable, touching. I only really like making films about really young people and really old people, so IAT? resonated with me quite a bit… I don’t advocate chopping off fingers to cure physical ailments, per say, but who am I to cast the first stone… Don’t believe in ghosts; glad the movie didn’t make a bigger push for me to believe. It really just held firm to the question “Is Anybody There?” And if so, “Where are you and how do I get there too?” … This review is becoming much too philosophical! CHANGE… I like magic tricks. I like dirty jokes told to preachers. And I like pretending I’m David Morrissey and pining over younger women to make you feel like more of a man because my stale marriage has just taken so much of my mojo. And I really only like two of those last three things. Take your pick… Oh, and have you heard that new tune “Come on Eileen” by Dexy’s Midnight Runners? Freddy Krueger sure was gettin’ down to it hardcore at that ill-fated birthday party. Sounds like it could be a hit. Just sayin’… Nice supporting cast led by the little kid’s mom, Anne-Marie Duff… The pursuit of love, or more fittingly the pursuit of acceptance, drives the story. And you can guess what I think about that, I’m sure… (Me like it.) … The entire movie was so understated and drab but in an appropriate way. Took a little while to really gel in the beginning but finished up with a strong and not-too-happy ending.
Ah!
Life is beautiful.
Irreversible (2002)
She is NOT nude.
The poster to the right.
She is wearing clothing.
Apparently paper-thin and non-warming clothing, but still…
Lei me sposerà, Monica?
Ahh.
THE RAMBLE: Irreversible (2002)
As I watched this movie, I really wondered what direction I was going to take this review. Either I would absolutely destroy the film because it is manipulative, exploitative and shallow, or else I would tone down my disgust and give it a deep, artistic critique. Over the past couple weeks since I watched this flick, my disgust has somewhat subsided on its own, so I guess I’ll be objective. Sigh… I’ve never seen a more brutal start to a movie. (And by this, I mean the second scene.) Two things about this: Amazing post digital manipulation and the largest amount of f*cked up hate I’ve ever witnessed in a fictional work. One of the few scenes I never want to see again but was really completely necessary and somehow appropriate for this movie… Really great camerawork in general, except for the entire transition from the very first scene to the second horribly f*cked up one I’ve already mentioned. No real need to try to make the audience feel sick to their stomach with shaky camera moves well before the story actually begins. Cheap trick, not impressed… And another cheap trick is how they pumped in background noise with a frequency similar to that of an earthquake during the first 3o minutes in the hope of producing the same nauseating affect in people. Let the story affect people! I’m all for experimentation, but you know your subject matter is already going to receive a strong and ultimately repulsed reaction, so just let it be for goodness sake… Monica Bellucci is officially my new dream girl. Period. She is beautiful, talented, destructive, amazing. Women like her are the proof that God indeed is a man… Who knew The Night Fox from Ocean’s Twelve (2004) not only could pull off world class heists but could also act? Good job, homey… And that other French dude who did that horribly f*cked up thing in the second scene: Got nothing bad to say about you. Nope. Never. Not after I’ve seen what you can do with a common household item. (Remember, I bruise like a peach.) … Brilliant credit sequences, and I even hate using the word “brilliant” whatsoever. And absolutely dashing one-long-take-per-scene filming technique… As far as fundamental filmmaking techniques go, Gaspar Noe wrecks them. Just a great, original auteur experience… Found out that most of the dialogue was improvised; that’s probably why it sucked and didn’t further the plot at all. This is probably what bugged me the most because it makes the movie seem like its reaching too far to be too spontaneous, too raw, too artistic. They took so much time to perfect the look and feel of the movie that it would have been nice to put a little more into the actual words the characters spoke. Just saying… WORST THING EVER: Monica Bellucci’s choice of path after leaving the party considering the time of day and what she was wearing! This one single unbelievable, unrealistic and totally, totally ridiculous plot point BLOWS! and could single-handedly ruin the movie all by itself if you let it because there is no way you can believe in the rest of the movie if you cannot believe in this unbelievable plot point. And believe me, it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to believe in this plot point. But you gotta try… If you’ve heard about this movie before, you’ve heard about the rape scene. That’s why most people watch it. Not for the actual rape but to see what the big deal is about. Let me tell you again: This movie is manipulative, exploitative and shallow. However, the uber-hyped rape scene that has brought the movie much of its attention is completed in a professional, original and heart wrenching way. That is the only possible way that a scene like this could be pulled off and not ruin the careers of everyone involved. The rape is brutal, but it is done well. And I cannot hate on that… The ending scenes beginning in the bedroom are poetic and compliment the brutal opening scenes very well. And you can never go wrong with beginning and ending a movie with the awe-inspiring Monica Bellucci just being her beautiful self… Worth watching for anyone who considers themselves a serious filmmaker or student of film. But watch BY YOURSELF. Trust me. This is not the type of movie to share with a friend. You’ll get more out of it if you really open yourself up to all the f*cked up things that happen and are completely honest about how they make you feel. A tough movie to get through. But not unbearable.
Sorry for saying so many F words. But I think you’ll understand why that’s what comes out when I ramble about this movie once you see this movie. And you’ll get to see my future ex-wife too. So that’s gotta be something…
F*ck.
We Own the Night (2007)
Here’s a question: Did you ever believe for one second that Eva Mendes was anything other than Hispanic in Hitch (2005)? Because they gave her character the surname “Melas” and asked us to believe that her ancestors immigrated from somewhere in Europe when all I see when I look at her is arroz con pollo and the shocked look on my face when I spotted her for the first time in Training Day (2001). Point is… Eva Mendes is Hispanic. And I’m not trying to support typecasting whatsoever, but it would be nice if filmmakers would keep this fact in mind when placing a character in a role where their heritage plays such a significant part in the plot. Just saying…
Nonetheless, Eva Mendes is fine, loves being naked and smokes mad weed according to my buddies who worked with her on The Spirit (2008). My pal even got to hold the curtain closed as she traipsed around in her birthday suit in that one scene I haven’t seen because The Spirit sucks. But he seemed to enjoy it. So all that’s gotta be something…
THE RAMBLE: We Own the Night (2007)
Like a watered down version of The Departed (2006). Not nearly enough violence or energy, a stringy storyline, and way too many people get off fine in the end… Okay acting, but kind of a random cast that didn’t seem to really like each other all that much… One of the last roles for Joaquin Phoenix before he went bonkers and started to rap. Let me tell you that if you’ve seen this movie, you can’t be all that surprised with the most recent events… Mark Wahlberg: I’m beginning to not like you. And I really used to like you. So much that I was writing a part for you in my own police drama. I’m second guessing that decision, Marky Mark. Sing “Good Vibrations” for me and earn back my trust. COME ON, COME ON! … Did Russians really have that strong a hold on the drug game in NY in the 1980′s? I wish I knew because maybe it would have helped me take the plot more seriously… At any time, the cops could have called in the big boys (DEA) and squashed the Ruskies. The fact that they never did indicates one of two things: 1) Poor, unbelievable writing ruled the day. Or 2) Cops in NY in the 1980′s were egotistical and foolish. I’m going to go with the first one rather than believe that the message of the movie was that police suck, even if they did in 1980′s NY or presently for anybody whose skin is brown in any way whatsoever… Great title for a movie. Wish the movie had lived up to it… Decent use of horrible ’80′s music. Especially in the opening scene… Oh, and gotta say something about Robert Duvall. There you go… The twist lacks originality, depth or careful planning… Oh and no possible way Phoenix’s character ever becomes a cop in real life at the end. Unless cops in 1980′s NY really were that stupid and immoral. And now that I think about it, We Own the Night would totally have you believe that. Good job, James Gray… Your fellow USC filmmakers would like to remind you that you have a reputation to live up to. Listen, learn, Fight On!
Don’t get me wrong, this movie is worth seeing. It just left me with a lot more criticisms than salutes. It’s harmless, but not in a completely horrible way. It’s just another movie, I guess. Now that’s a ringing endorsement!
I’m beginning to like this rambling thing. In fact, I think it’s even giving me good vibrations…
FEEL IT, FEEL IT!
Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008)
Gotta find an easier way to do these reviews. They’re just taking too many words and too much time. I still have like 5 reviews I have to write like this one for Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008), and it’s already been three weeks since I watched VCB! So needless to say, it’s going to be awhile before I catch up to the present unless I find another way to do these reviews. On that note, I proudly present…
THE RAMBLE: Vicky Cristina Barcelona Edition
I literally just came up with this idea. And that may not be a good thing, but I am rather good at rambling so I’m going to run with it and maybe it will lead to me actually being able to review the flicks I see in a timely fashion and get out onto the web all those great David Duchovny insults that I know you all are just so adamantly anticipating. So here goes…
THE RAMBLE: Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Deep breath… GO!
In VCB, Woody Allen teams up with Javier Bardem, Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson in SPAIN! SI, SI, SI! One of the all-time great filmmakers and a personal favorite of mine, Allen delivers his best film since Match Point (2005) – which is his best film ever in my opinion and could have won the Best Picture Oscar – and creates a flick that you can watch over and over again… Didn’t even mind the faceless narration, sort of bland ending or the fact that Allen only made the film in Barcelona because the city offered to foot the production bill… (You lucked out in the end anyway, Woody, because if you had ended up making this flick in San Francisco like you originally wrote it to be, it wouldn’t have been the same. The Spanish gave it flavor. And trust me because I’m Spanish and chocked full of flavor. Verdad.) … Quick! Word Association: Bardem: Suavecito… Cruz: Caliente… Johansson: Pretty fly for a white girl, (except she really can’t handle her shell fish)… And that other random girl who was like a poor man’s version of Rachel McAdams: not totally horrible… Allen’s films are so much better when he’s not in them, except for Annie Hall (1977), of course… And random kudos for never showing up at award shows either, Allen. Your balls must be huge… I liked the idea of Allen making Johansson his muse a couple flicks back, but now I’m questioning his judgment as Mrs. Ryan Reynolds seems to have reached a creative peak of late. I’ll wait to see if she matures past her pretty face and knee-rattling curves before making my final ruling… Oh, and just in case anyone forgot, I DESPISE YOU, DUCHOVNY! … Who made a big deal about the love scene between Cruz and Johansson in the first place? Because let me tell you, it didn’t live up to the hype or the apparent outrage. Shame on you, America. (I don’t know if you are really to blame, but oh well.)… The setting was beautiful, the pacing was poetic, the acting spot on. Story kinda turned cold when fake Rachel McAdams’ fiance showed up, but nothing is perfect… Javier Bardem is one of the best actor’s alive. Penelope Cruz has only been better in Volver (2006)… I can only dream to one day be as prolific and productive as Allen. You can’t really diss him at this point in his career, and VCB doesn’t give you a reason to anyway. Overall, an entertaining, well made flick. And a rather easy one to ramble about too.
Let’s review: 3o minutes, 584 words.
I can live with that. Can you?
Ha! That’s cute…
For a moment there, you actually thought I cared about you, America.
Silly America! When will you learn?
For that matter, when will I?
Deep.
Mail Time!
Remember Blue’s Clues? That TV show with that blue dog and his crazy clues and that dude that everyone thought OD’d and was replaced by that other dude that was nearly as cool or original as the first OD’d dude? Remember that?
Well let me tell you… BLUE’S CLUES IS MONEY. So money it doesn’t even know it. But I do. And I’m telling you again… BLUE’S CLUES IS MONEY. Don’t get it twisted.
Oh, and that OD’d dude didn’t actually OD after all. But if I can help continue to perpetuate an internet rumor, AWESOME. Spread that virus, America. Spread it good.
On an actual important note: I’ve waited and waited and waited for my first reader email. I mean, that’s one of the main reasons to have a blog, isn’t it? To stir up conversation and feedback, to entertain, to think deeper. And I can only really do so much without critical, active feedback from readers. So I was very happy to find this first message in my inbox:
What in the world has Duchovny done to you? Why do you hate him? I really enjoyed him in XF’s and especially his new show Californication. – Jess
I received this after posting the Charlie Wilson’s War (2007) review. And let me say first, THANK YOU, JESS. And let me say second, I STILL DESPISE YOU, DUCHOVNY! Let me explain:
In most cases in this blog, when I criticize someone or “judge” them, I’m doing it on a completely personal and non-professional level. Really. I’m looking at how they are in real life, not in that fairytale silver-screen land. This seems totally backward when I’m supposedly writing in a blog that jokingly critiques professional works, but it is the truth and what I will continue to do because in most cases, IT IS HILARIOUS. And apparently when I talk about anything involving David Duchovny, I use tons of CAPITAL LETTERS. And I DO NOT like using capital letters. So shame on you again, Duchovny. SHAME. But I digress…
Let me answer your question much too quickly, Jess:
David Duchovny is a self-claimed sex-a-holic who has caused his family immeasurable pain by failing to try and change his ways. And on top of that, he has no acting range. He plays himself in pretty much every role. He doesn’t even try to really get into the character. But that’s a professional critique, and let me get back to the personal…
David Duchovny personally sucks. And it’s funny to point that out because at the heart of everything, my job is to make you laugh and not take everything so seriously. If we could all just laugh a little more, we’d have way less wars and way more love. So think of my journey to take down Duchovny as a labor of love and my way to change the world for the better. Trust me, America. I wouldn’t steer you wrong. (And feel free to point out when I suck too, America. What’s fair is fair.)
And if you want a deeper and more succinct explanation about my Duchovny despise, I invite you to revisit the House of D (2004) review here http://www.theincrediblefilms.com/blog/?p=166. Because it was so very pleasing to take the two hours to formulate my Letterman-style Top Ten list and completely enrage myself by the fact that DAVID DUCHOVNY CAN GET A SCRIPT HE WROTE IN ONLY SIX DAYS GREEN LIT WHILE I CAN’T EVEN GET ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY NAME BRAND MAYO TO FEED MY CAST AND CREW FOR LUNCH! And all my cast and crew works for is lunch! AHHH!
So keep the letters coming, America. Because I can only imagine how offensive and irreverent I can be at the prodding of random strangers, and if I am unable to speak my mind honestly and without apologies, the terrorists have already won.
The world if wonderfully perplexing.
Spread the word, America.
Spread it good.
Cashback (2006)
A friend of mine – a girl, no less – said I just had to watch Cashback (2006) because there are tons and tons of boobs in it. So I thought to myself, “HECK! … I’ve watched movies for less!”
(She didn’t actually say I had to watch the movie just because of the tons and tons of boobs, but I wouldn’t be the adorable, incorrigible filmmaker you’ve all come to loathe and admire if I didn’t say some pretty satiating and scathing things, now would I?)
Needless to say, I may have came for the boobs, but I stayed for something much more important and lasting…
Umm…
???
You know what? I can’t think of anything moderately offensive or witty to say right there.
My game may be slipping.
NO!
Boobies.
(Or maybe not…)
THE GOOD
Remembering That This Was Made in The United Kingdom. Because a film like this couldn’t be made in the same way in America. And that’s Bad. But the different sort of freedom of expression the U.K. provides its artists is displayed fully in this film. And that’s Good. And I’ll get to that later…
Cinematography. Very pretty, saturated, well composed. I like this crisp modern look a lot of digital-aged film students (including myself) are adapting nowadays. Gives the movie energy even if a large portion of the movie is about inaction and separation. Nice.
Green Screens. I’m not a fan of green screens but I understand there was really no other way to get the stop-animation feel of much of this movie without employing them. Really reminded me of Fight Club (1997) green screening, especially the colors and textures in the final shots of both films. Eerily similar. And that is a Good Thing. Pretty much the green screening was seamless in this film and all together appropriate. Didn’t take away from the story, didn’t give it that cheesy “trying to do to much” feel, felt okay overall. That’s Good.
Flashbacks. To the point, informative enough, somewhat precious. Served the purpose to give the audience just enough exposition without weighing or slowing down the story’s progress.
The cast. All very likable, believable, non-threatening, non-famous. Except for Keeley Hazell and the non-famous part. Because even though you may have been distracted when you first saw, something familiar couldn’t help but make her stick out. And if you know what I’m talking about… Shame on you, America. SHAME!
Slow motion breakups. The only really Good way to appreciate breakups anyway.
The music from the party prep scene forward. On point, really fit the story. Up until that point, there had been very few actual songs showcased. The movie’s scored throughout, but it didn’t really employ full songs until well into the movie. This is sort of a Bad thing too, but overall Good because the music was just so right. Especially…
The Black Keys. One of my favorite bands. Just a gritty, heavy, raw sound. And perfectly picked for a strip show. How I imagine heaven to be actually, with buckets of ranch dressing and cherry Dr. Pepper stretching out as far as the eye can see… Ahh.
The Women. My goodness those girls were comfortable with their bodies. As I began watching the movie, I wondered what 20 minutes of the film had been previously nominated for an Oscar in the short film category, and then as soon as all those lithe, nubile young bodies filled the screen, EUREKA! I saw the light… I know what the Academy saw in that too: Skin. And lots of it, amen. And on top of that, the nudity was done tastefully and oh-so-artistically. Nothing really Bad about that at all… Almost…
Boobies.
(This is going to be the running joke for this post, if you haven’t figured that out already.)
THE BAD
Voice Over Narration. Not really a fan unless you sound exactly like Morgan Freeman or Gilbert Gottfried. It’s just that first person narration is usually used as a crutch to tell the audience important things that the filmmaker does not know how to show the audience through actions. The narration wasn’t horrible in Cashback, and I understand it was completely necessary in order to make apparent the internal struggle the protagonist was experiencing, but I’m still not totally convinced. A sort of Bad thing, but very minor.
The Stock Ex-Girlfriend That Messes Stuff Up. About 10 minutes before this happened, I thought to myself, “I really hope the ex doesn’t come back and mess things up because I fear that that’s where the story is going because they didn’t really set up any other obstacles for the protagonist to face.” And then all of a sudden, what do you know… MUAH! (That’s how you spell a kiss, I think.) The stock ex-girlfriend never fails to have her say in movies like this about the heartbroken dude who takes two hours to get over his heartbreak by finally meeting someone to open up to and who appreciates him for him but then ruins it all when said stock ex-girlfriend pops her pretty little meddling self back into the story. And the stock ex had her say here, and that’s no real surprise, and that’s Bad. I don’t know how else to have shaped plot point two, but I know it could have been better than this.
Windows in strip clubs. Come on. Anybody who’s gone to many of the fine nudie bar establishments scattered throughout our great nation knows for a stone cold fact that strip clubs do not have windows. Because who would ever pay the $5 cover charge – or more even if you live in a city not as poor as Albuquerque, NM – to enter the club if they can get a sneak peak from the street corner outside? Windows in strip clubs is a bad business model period. Shame on you, Cashback. Shame!
(Wait for it…)
The She’s All That (1999) Treatment. That’s where you make the eventual female protagonist spend a large portion of the film looking plain, boring and unattractive before dolling her up and giving her character attitude and gumption for the big climax and eventual happy ending. I’ll say it once and for all: Nobody can do it as well as Laney Boggs and nobody should try. Because Laney had a reason to try so hard… Freddie Prinze Jr. And if there’s ever a reason to try hard at anything in life, it’s got to be Freddie Prinze Jr. Trust me. I know these things…
(Wait for it…)
Molestation. Because if it wasn’t for the comforting score underneath that whole naked girls scene in the store, Ben would be facing 15 to 20 for his “appreciative hands.” Freezing time then wandering around a store undressing and admiring the previously mentioned lithe and nubile hotties who have no idea or say in the matter because of their suspended state? … SKETCH. If you don’t believe me, mute the sound during that scene and watch in stunned silence. I’m telling you, I know these things…
Boobies.
There it is!
I just keep on getting better.
THE INCREDIBLE
And I quote:
“Over the past 40 years, theatrical movies in the United Kingdom have contained 61% more scenes involving sex than involving violence, while theatrical American movies have contained a whopping 78% more scenes involving violence than involving sex. Over that same time period, however, America has experienced both higher rates of violent crimes and teenage pregnancy than has the United Kingdom.”
This quote comes from the “Conveniently Fabricated Facts to Support My Biased Arguments” archive. (In Layman’s Terms, this means I made it up. But stay with me…)
It is historically accurate to say that European films focus more on sex than violence while American films focus more on violence than sex. Many people will argue that this is one of the reason’s America has a higher rate of violence than other developed countries, while other people will also argue that America would be in much worse shape if our media and entertainment entities focused more on sex than violence. This debate is much too complicated to be appropriately addressed here, but let me share two thoughts that might make you ponder this issue further:
1. Movies are routinely given stricter ratings by the MPAA based on sex rather than based on violence.
2. What’s worse: sex or violence?
Oh, and one more thought to grow on:
Boobies.
Ran that joke straight into the ground.
You’re welcome.
Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007)
Oh. My. Goodness.
Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007).
Oh. My. Goodness.
Tell the children…
Let the children know…
Perfection is attainable.
Amen.
THE GOOD
THE CHIPMUNKS! They are witty, charming, talented, possess 5th-grade educations and SING IN HIGH PITCHED CHIPMUNK-LIKE VOICES! Need I say more?! THEY’RE THE F*CKIN’ CHIPMUNKS! AHHH!
Matter-of-factness. The Chipmunks are already talking and singing as soon as we meet them? … Got it. The Chipmunks have previously stated human knowledge and wit? … Got it. The Chipmunks become the most famous singing act in the world to nobody’s surprise, doubt or repulsion? … Got it! This movie just throws out all these cooky and totally unbelievable facts and doesn’t even blink. Kudos for blatant matter-of-factness; I must commend any film with balls as big as the balls on the Chipmunks movie. It just says, “This is how it is and this is how it’s going to be. And if you don’t like it… Sorter time, baby!” (Man, that never gets old!)
David Cross. How in the world did they get this dude?! Have you heard his stand up comedy? Like the stuff about porno mags on airplanes? This guy isn’t necessarily kid tested, mother approved, America. And yet you toss him in this gem of a flick all matter-of-fact like and BAM! Solid gold. Well played, Mr. Cross. Well played indeed.
“The Chipmunk Song.” And the Lord said unto you:
“Christmas, Christmas time is near / Time for toys and time for cheer / We’ve been good, but we can’t last / Hurry Christmas, hurry fast / Want a plane that loops the loop / Me, I want a hula-hoop / We can hardly stand the wait / Please Christmas don’t be late!”
God bless you, Chipmunk Song. God bless you…”
THE F*CKIN’ CHIPMUNKS! AHHH!
THE BAD
Suspension of disbelief. Impossible. Not going to lie to you. Pretty much no real way to suspend your total disbelief throughout this flick, but that actually makes it that much funnier and ridiculous. Don’t even try to suspend your belief. Just nod your head when something crazily impossible happens and repeat after me, “Got it.” Got it? Good.
Nearsighted animals. Poor, poor creatures. Since when are we supposed to believe that God would give a sweet, adorable animal like a baby chipmunk a vision problem? Hang in there, Simon. One of these days they’ll figure out how to perform LASIK on a chipmunk without cutting them in half with the laser. God willing, that is… God willing…
“The Chipmunk Song” REMIX! And the Lord said unto you:
F*ck no! No! No! NO! Do not remix “The Chipmunk Song!” Never! Never! NEVER! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… I WILL KILL YOU FOR REMIXING THE CHIPMUNK SONG! No vailed “Sorter time” reference here. Just potent, career jeopardizing threats. You have all been warned.
Amen.
THE INCREDIBLE
Riddle me this, America: What do these three people have in common?
1. Jesse McCartney (The dude that sang that “Beautiful Soul” song in 2004 and was Aunt Becky’s kid or something on that crappy seasonal beach show that wasn’t Full House.)
2. Mathew Gray Gubler (The child prodigy and sometimes drug addict on the most depressingly real show on TV, Criminal Minds.)
3. Justin Long (Shia LaBeouf’s on-and-off-again boyfriend.)
Got it?
Got it?
GOT IT?!
Time’s up! The answer is… THEY’RE THE F*CKIN’ CHIPMUNKS! They’re their voices! These three random dudes give The Chipmunks life. Wow.
I don’t know how many names those Hollywood execs threw into that top hat and how many mojitos they got blitzed on before picking these three, but I do know that my name wasn’t one of them because there is no way I would have ever allowed them to REMIX THE F*CKIN CHIPMUNK SONG!
Not on my watch, America! No, no, NO! If we do not stand for something, we are doomed to fall for anything.
Listen, learn, move on.
AHHH!
WATCH THIS: YAY Blaxploitation!
And by extension, YAY Samples! Because that’s what gives most of these songs their catchy, you’ve-heard-this-already-so-sing-along vibe.
All these songs take me back to the Blaxploitation era and Dr. Todd Boyd’s class at USC. Because of that man, I know much more about African American history, popular culture and cinema than I could have ever imagined I’d know at this point in my young life, and I now also want to be famous not only to make that paper but also to get my hands on exclusive Jordan brand shoes and gear before they even hit stores because that’s one of the perks of being well known and respected like the good Doc.
(And for those of you that don’t know anything about Blaxploitation cinema, GET YOUR LEARN ON, SON!)
In addition to slangin’ that ulta-throwback, 1970′s-Sweet-Sweetback’s-Baadasssss-Song-(1971) magic straight to your cranium, these songs also demonstrate DJ’ing is an artform and a blessing when done correctly.
(I used to dabble with dj’ing a bit growing up. Bought some turntables, made a few mixtapes, bragged to a few girls, but that’s really neither here nor there, so I’ll relent…)
Music will always play a major, major roll in my work. And good music like the following will always keep my head ringin’, my toes’ tappin’ and the haters hatin’ becuase they wish they could do it so good.
So Enjoy and holla.
Or holla and enjoy.
But definitely holla.
(FIRST – AND HOPEFULLY LAST – TIME DISCLAIMER: These videos are more to be seen than heard. I actually hadn’t seen any of them until I set out to write this post, and I’m not horribly impressed by them visually. But the music is key, so pay attention and then illegally download at your convenience.)
Holla.
RJD2 – “Good Times Roll, Pt. 2″ Could have gone with the more well-known “Ghostwriter” track, but I thought I might as well enlighten those of you who aren’t familiar with the sample prince RJD2 and give you a less commercial-friendly yet more sample-heavy gem. From the album “Deadringer;” a lesson in musical mashup mastery, if you ask me. But then again, you didn’t ask. So boo to you. Boo, indeed.
Lyrics Born – “I Changed My Mind.” Roll down your windows and drive super slow through South Central L.A. to get the full effect of this song. That’s what I used to do and, God as my witness, that’s what I’m going to do once again someday when USC decides to name a building after me and I go back, back to Cali. (Ah! I can dream…)
Madcon – “Beggin’.” Kind of beginning to catch spins on American radio and about time; This song’s been out two years already! Samples Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons 1967 track by the same name, and OH! it does the original good. Made in Norway (!!!) and yet the sound couldn’t be more Super Fly (1972). I have a feeling you’re going to be “beggin’” for this song over and over again once you hear it.
And “beggin’” I lay off the puns too.
I’m out of control.
Holla!
Charlie Wilson’s War (2007)
I don’t like sci-fi. Not Lord of the Rings. Not Harry Potter. Not Lizzie McGuire.
All I know is that the new Star Trek is going to suck because it’s an odd-number one in the series and odd-numbered ones suck. My sister told me this and she is a nerd so it must be true.
Data was Reading Rainbow.
TOBY!
THE GOOD
Oscar Winners. Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Mike Nichols. Wow. Just a lot of talent involved with this flick. I mean, Mike Nichols carries considerable clout on his own – he is after all shacking up with Mrs. Mountain Dew herself, long-legged Diane Sawyer – but then add Forrest Gump, Pretty Woman and Truman Capote to the mix… DY-NO-MITE! They were all likable, they were all Good. And kudos to almost Oscar winners Amy Adams and Emily Blunt. Keep ballin’ it up, ladies. You’ll get there.
“Sluts.” AKA sweet one liners. Just crisp, cool writing. Witty when necessary, reserved when appropriate. That’s what you can count on from writer Aaron Sorkin. That, and failed TV shows not involving the president in some way, shape or form. But then again, we’d never have gone “Six Feet Under.” And I can’t make a joke about that because I have never watched it. So there.
Favors. Because you never know when the ones you save up will buy you a billion-dollar war and and a A-list movie about your life. Oh and cookies. I like cookies. Currently, those mismatched organic fake Oreo’s from Whole Foods my green freak sister and her giant boyfriend buy from Whole Foods. But that’s really neither here nor there so yeah… Go cookies!
Granny Panties. You know what I’m talking about…
Shadow wars. I wouldn’t mind paying taxes so much if I knew that the money was going to support secret non-war wars that one day would result in entertaining movies. Always remember: Keep the people in the dark… It’s cooler that way.
Reality Movies. NOT like The Real Cancun (2003). I’m talking movies that take real historical events and people and either partially or wholly fictionalize and dramatize them in order to entertain. I’m talking Inherit the Wind (1960). I’m talking The Hoax (2006). I’m talking Hitman Hart: Wrestling with Shadows (1998).
(Okay, the last one is actually a true documentary not really a Reality Movie, but still… Brett Hart is the Brett Favre of sports entertainment and Brett Favre is the unluckiest man on earth. So I think it’s safe to say that Brett is the most lethal name ever spoken. And this coming from a guy who actually has a producer by the name of Brett… GASP! Knowledge is frightening.)
This brings me back to my random review opening. I do not like sci-fi because it’s too easy to make fake stuff up. Any idiot with an imagination can come up with sci-fi. (J.J. Abrams.) Any idiot can throw out a bunch of random and fantastical details and plot lines that they never plan to explain or complete and call it sci-fi. (J.J. Abrams.) Any idiot can make a total mishmash of a movie by hand-holding low cost digital cameras, running through falling rocks and darkness and crap and then C.G.’ing in a bunch of action and a ridiculous monster you kind of get to see yet kind of don’t get to see yet are supposed to be really scared of and entertained by nonetheless and call it sci-fi! (J.J. ABRAMS!)
I’m just going to put this out there in case it isn’t perfectly clear already: I… DESPISE… DAVID DUCHOVNY! (You thought I was going to say that loser J.J. Abrams, didn’t you? For shame, America. I am not a hurricane; I cannot be forecasted.)
And this brings me back to my original point: Reality Movies are Good because they often put a elegant, sensational and simple shine on the memorable historical events that have taken place in our lifetimes and make those events easier to comprehend and put into context. This isn’t always the case with Reality Movies, but it is the case with the Good ones. Charlie Wilson’s War, for example, condenses years and years of political secrecy and personal struggles by the Congressman into a tight little easily-digestible package, and the movie works. We couldn’t have understood all that was going on behind the scenes during the actual Charlie Wilson’s War, but now quite a few years later, an artifact of our popular culture has helped us better understand the entire incident and be entertained in the process. This is Good. This is very Good. And this is what Reality movies should try to strive for at all costs. Because as I’ve mentioned before, truth equals clarity. Clarity brings virtue. Virtue brings enlightenment. Enlightenment brings peace. And peace brings love.
And love, my friends, is always Good.
(AH! I’m a teddybear.)
THE BAD
Forrest Gump’s Accent. Not Forrest Gump’s Accent, actually. But Tom Hanks’ accent. His Texas accent. Not pretty. Not horribly Bad, but not pretty. So I guess kind of Bad. Oh, and one more thing… I hate Texas. That’s all.
Mismatched Carpet and Drapes. I’m talking blonde Julia Roberts and her terribly brown eyebrows. Maybe the chick she played in real life actually looked like this, but that does not make this Good. Platinum blonde, Julia? Never again. Please. Not good. Not one bit. I’ll be in Taos next week on the radio if you want to talk about it. But until then… BOO!
The One Sheet. I know you gotta give the three stars equal space and attention, but it just doesn’t work for me. It’s like the last thing a kid wakes up and sees in the dead of the night plastered on his bedroom wall before the boogie man gobbles him up with a nice bottle of Chianti. And we all know who the boogie man is… DAVID DUCHOVNY. (Hey, I’m reachin’ here for Bad.)
Congressmen and Laws. Because the latter do not pertain to the former whatsoever. I think that was the loud-and-clear message of Charlie Wilson’s War. That, and the fact that the next country we arm and train to defeat our present-day enemies will one day turn into our future enemies. (Except for Israel because we got them dudes under our thumb.) Charlie Wilson snorted coke, drank like a hobo, banged hookers, and chalked up DUI’s and Hit-and-Run charges like high school cheerleaders chalk up Morning After pills. (This joke will seem even funnier if you keep up with current events on CNN and high school cheerleaders.) And yet after all these … CHARLIE WILSON MADE IT TO THE PREMIER! Not just that, but there was never any doubt that he’d ever make it to the premier because he’s never served a day in jail and never will because he’s a good old American Congressman. God bless our wonderful country, really. The people that are supposed to serve as our greatest role models are the ones who get to run the fastest and loosest when it comes to morals and rules. That’s ultimately why I want to be famous. Morals and rules just have never quite agreed with me. But I’m much too delicate to ever sleep a single night on a hard jailhouse bunk.
I bruise like a peach.
*Tear.
THE INCREDIBLE
My favorite current T.V. show is Fringe. And Fringe was created by the one-and-only J.J. Abrams.
Please, God…
I DESPISE YOU, DUCHOVNY!