COUNTDOWN 2009: Around The Year in 80 Movies
This post is 5 months late.
5 MONTHS LATE!
Now that’s INCREDIBLE.
Self-referential! HA!
Basically at the end of last year, I started this countdown list ranking every flick I watched in 2009 from absolute worst to absolute best, and it took me until now to finish it.
Laziness. It’s just plain laziness.
One thing became perfectly clear, though, throughout this excrutiatingly drawn out process:
I WATCHED CRAP IN 2009.
And now I’d like to relive that crap with you.
Enjoy!
DIRTY ROTTEN SHAME
Each of these flicks valiantly competed for worst of the year. Man… I saw some horrible movies in 2009. It was harder picking this race then picking the best, but it had to be done.
80. One Missed Call (2008)
Can you hear me now?! … Eh. No. I’m dead.
79. High School Musical 3: Senior Year (2008)
See Vanessa Hudgens in the flick before the inevitable breakup that led her to porn.
78. The Women (2008)
Or “The Day Meg Ryan’s Career Officially Overdosed.”
77. Naked Fear (2007)
Starring C.J. Cinnamon as Location Manager, Espanola as his locations and nothing much else.
76. Year One (2009)
Peeing on your own face has never been funnier.
75. Gamer (2009)
The Running Man (1987), post those pesky Twin Towers.
74. The Cake Eaters (2007)
Kristen Stewart wants to get banged… Retard style… With a bad hair cut.
73. The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
Kristen Stewart wants to get banged… Brows style… Minus Taylor Lautner. *Tear.
72. Goal II: Living the Dream (2007)
The single most disappointing sequel of Christopher Michael Roybal’s life.
71. Crank: High Voltage (2009)
Would be the single most disappointing sequel of Christopher Michael Roybal’s life if it wasn’t for Goal II. Starring Red Bull.
70. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009)
Yay werewolves. Nay Bill Nighy.
69. X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)
Hugh Jackman has unbreakable bones. Run for your life.
68. I Know Who Killed Me (2007)
Damn… I heart Lindsay Lohan… Dead Twin Stripper Style.
SIGNS OF LIFE
These had a flicker of a heart beat but not much else. About 2% more thought was put into these flicks then the ones to come before. But they’re still certifiably 98% crappy.
67. 21 (2008)
Minus Asians or real Boston accents. Two thumbs up.
66. Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey (1991)
Next to The Lake House (2006) and that Paula Abdul Video, Keanu Reeves has never looked more semi-talented. R.I.P. Alex Winter, Esq.
65. Revolver (2005)
Keeping the “Revolver” title warm until someone comes along and makes a good movie. (Hint: Me.)
64. Equilibrium (2002)
The Matrix on an Incredible-Films-size budget. (Self-referential! HA!)
63. Assassination of a High School President (2008)
Prequel to “Assassination of Mischa Barton by herself and Quaaludes.”
62. Transporter 3 (2008)
Transporter 1 trunk: Girl. Transporter 2 trunk: Girl. What will Jason Statham find in the trunk this time?
61. The Incredible Hulk (2008)
Ed Norton replaces Ang Lee. Same crappiness ensues.
60. The Astronaut Farmer (2006)
The sky is the limit… except when building homemade rockets.
ANGRY
These movies mostly just pissed me the hell off. And they weren’t good. A lethal combination except for the fact that some showed a bit of originality and effort… in making me hate them.
59. Coraline (2009)
For kids everywhere… That you hate.
58. Sherlock Holmes (2009)
The fourth horrible feature film since Guy Ritchie lost all his talent by marrying Madonna.
57. RocknRolla (2008)
The horrible feature film right before the fourth horrible feature film since Guy Ritchie lost all his talent by marrying Madonna.
56. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)
The prequel to Transformers 3: More dumb robots do more dumb stuff but at least Megan Fox dresses slutty so that’s something. Rated Semi-Flaccid.
55. Jeux d’enfants (2003)
Parisians love funny. But not in a good or entertaining way. Amelie rolls in her grave.
LOVEABLE LOSERS
These flicks just don’t know any better.
54. The Brothers Solomon (2007)
The definition of a “Candy” movie. Sort of pleases at the moment; never lasts.
53. Yellow (2006)
The stripper flick that trades Lindsay Lohan, her delicious freckles but no nudity for Roselyn Sanchez, tight Latina abs, better dancing AND nudity… Jessie Spano is not amused.
52. Shoot ‘Em Up (2007)
Babies in backpacks and carrots in eyes never looked so bloody good.
51. Julie & Julia (2009)
I hate you Julie. Meryl, not so much.
50. Hannah Montana: The Movie (2009)
Miley Cyrus masters suspension of disbelief and blooming jail bait-ness while teaching my sister how to dance.
49. The International (2009)
Banks are bad. Clive Owen is good. That’s all.
48. Paranormal Activities (2007)
Super scary if you think general stupidity and faulty logic is scary.
47. Public Enemies (2009)
Shaky High Definition Period Pieces! … Balls.
46. We Own The Night (2007)
Russians in the 80′s liked coke. Joaquin Phoenix did too and then didn’t. Robert Duvall paid indecision’s price.
45. High School Musical (2006)
The movie before the movie before the movie before the inevitable breakup that led Vanessa Hudgens to porn.
44. Twilight (2008)
Say it… OUT LOUD… Teens and vampires are stupid.
43. Blindness (2008)
Even Fernando Meirelles can’t hit homers every time. Starring a lack of common sense.
42. District 9 (2009)
The most insulting movie about aliens and South Africans ever green screened.
41. Is Anybody There? (2008)
No. I think the answer is no. Nobody is there.
40. Zombieland (2009)
The most entertaining zombie movie of 2009 featuring a complete lack of zombies or a plot.
LOVEABLE NOT-SO LOSERS
Because these flicks did know better… barely.
39. Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007)
Totally unapologetic for not making any logical sense whatsoever and amusing me profusely with squeaky pop songs.
38. Fast & Furious (2009)
The Fastest and Furiousest flick Vin Diesel’s starred in since charging out of the closet… Wait…
37. Adventureland (2009)
Working at crappy amusement parks in the late 1980′s while trying to keep Ryan Reynolds from banging your girlfriend never seemed so rewarding.
36. Baby Mama (2008)
The film that proves women can actually, sort of, maybe write semi-funny movies after all!
35. Up (2009)
Pixar rewards all those kids who loved all their previous happy-go-lucky films with a big bowl of “F your money, kids, now we want your tears.”
34. Step Brothers (2008)
Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly team up with complete and utter randomness for a decently offensive and romping good time. Co-starring white dog doo doo.
33. 17 Again (2009)
Zac Effron makes a film essentially about time travel and possible pedophilia oh so dreamy in a “copy Christopher Michael Roybal tight black jeans and white v-neck shirt” kinda way.
32. Burn After Reading (2008)
The Coen Brothers won the Oscar then decided to make a crappy film just because they could. This is that film.
31. Angels & Demons (2009)
Clocking in as the 31st best movie on this list, this Tom Hanks hair vehicle makes it perfectly clear that Christopher Michael Roybal saw really crappy films in 2009.
30. Avatar (2009)
She’s All That (1999) meets the Smurfs. Honestly.
29. Charlie Wilson’s War (2007)
Charlie Wilson died. No, really. He’s dead.
28. Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)
Or “Forgetting Sarah Michelle Gellar.” Because I did. Until now.
27. The Bank Job (2008)
Jason Statham starred in more movies on this list then ever before. And 28 was as high as he could get. Except for Crank 2. Because he did drugs in that clunker. Word.
26. Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist (2008)
Vampire Weekend! Vampire Weekend! Vampire Weekend!
25. The Wrestler (2008)
Now if we could only get Mickey Rourke to dive into death in real life.
BRONZE MEDALISTS
Nobody really remembers the third-tier performers, but they’re still worth commending because at least they made the podium over all the losers that came before them.
24. The Wackness (2008)
I still really like 1994 even if this film shoved it down my throat over and over and OVER again.
23. The Hangover (2009)
The rest of the world finally discovers Zach Galifianakis. Welcome to the club, dummies.
22. Star Trek (2009)
The film that kills me for liking it more than any other on this list. Boo.
21. Flawless (2007)
Mrs. Ashton Kutcher tries to overcome being a woman in order to not screw up the ingenious diamond heist Michael Caine concocts. Good luck…
20. I Love You, Man (2009)
Or “The movie I have no idea why I originally ranked at #20, but now seems way too overrated, and yet I’m still to lazy to move it somewhere else like into the mid 30′s where it probably belongs, so alas.” Featuring my complacency.
19. Taken (2008)
Liam Neeson RELEASES THE KRAKEN! all over some foreign fools because of his stupid daughter in a reference that could only be made because this post is 5 MONTHS LATE!
18. Cashback (2006)
Tons of boobs and stunning cinematography… Wait? … Only 18?!
ALMOST FAMOUS
Except for a few minor trip-ups or the inability to fully immerse the audience in the proceedings the entire time, all these movies really showed promise and were enjoyable to watch.
17. The Pool (2007)
Indian as it gets. Like forehead dot Indian. Not Casinos. Yeah.
16. Little Children (2006)
Just an awkward experience with Kate Winslet getting nude again. But what else is new?
15. Rudo y Cursi (2008)
Diego Luna + Gael Garcia Bernal + Fútbol = Perfecto.
14. This Is It (2009)
I wish this film never existed. R.I.P. M.J.
13. Doubt (2008)
Or, “2009′s top movie adapted from a play which definitely excels on the stage rather than on screen.”
12. The First Great Train Robbery (1979)
Gadgets, gimmicks and Finding Forester beating The Man.
11. The Darjeeling Limited (2007)
Wes Anderson: Pretentious Preciousness never sounded so good. Not.
10. Teeth (2007)
The scariest film on the face of the planet… for your penis.
9. House of D (2004)
The movie that kills me more than any other movie on this list for that simple, iconic reason: I DESPISE YOU, DUCHOVNY!
8. The Brothers Bloom (2009)
Almost a top-notch hit if it just wasn’t for the ending. But what an ending it is…
AS GOOD AS IT GETS
The certifiable hits of the year I stand by completely. You will not be disappointed by any of these. (Well, maybe…)
7. Irreversible (2002)
Monica Bellucci gets raped in a single, 9-minute shot. That’s all you’ll hear about this film until you see it yourself. So see it.
6. La misma luna (2007)
Featuring one of the best closing shots to a film I’ve ever seen, and a lot of honest emotions beforehand.
5. (500) Days of Summer (2009)
Destined to be one of Christopher Michael Roybal’s Top 5 Most Re-Watchable Films Ever… Until the 70th minute.
4. Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008)
Woody Allen hits a homer by once again leaving New York and opening up his horizons to Hispanic beauty and charm.
3. Millions (2004)
Pleasantly surprisingly so, so heartfelt and meaningful. Danny Boyle’s second best ever… and of this movie watching year…
2. Gone Baby Gone (2007)
Deftly defies the fact that Ben Affleck directs to easily be one of the best movies made in 2007. O.M.G.
1. Slumdog Millionare (2008)
Head-over-heels a rewarding, enthralling, well-crafted movie-going experience. And a perfectly happy ending never hurts either.
Weekly Ramble: Retrospect
Guess who hasn’t written in like a thousand years?
No. Don’t.
So my latest film finally premiered, and now it’s on its way around the world and into the hearts and minds of many good people who will be inspired by the beauty of flamenco and the many good people who do flamenco at a very high level in my picture. If you haven’t heard, my film is called THE SPANISH ROOM and in the timeless words of the immortal Nic Cage, “I don’t want to toot my own horn but… I think it’s a masterpiece.”
Ahhh!
I’ve been watching stuff, just not a lot of it and not that frequently. So here’s a run down of the last two months and a very real example of why my triple-digit movie-watching goal for the year is now greatly in jeopardy.
Enjoy.
Bella (2006)
One of my girlfriend’s absolutely favorite movies. And I know exactly why. But it just didn’t throw me over the top. There’s lots to be commended in this flick, but nothing so special to put it on my most re-watchable list. A very appropriate ending makes up for many of its shortcomings. Watch it and be pleased.
Coco avant Chanel (2009)
Or “Coco Before Chanel” or “Coco Versus Chanel,” as I’ve been calling it the entire time I’ve known about it, for some strange reason. You can’t really go wrong with Amelie. Even if this movie lacked a very interesting story. The acting and costumes were good, so that’s gotta say something for the flick on a whole. Doesn’t it? I just don’t know anymore…
He’s Just Not That Into You (2009)
Nor should he be after making him sit through this gutter snipe of a movie. (Oh, by the way, “gutter snipe” is my new favorite slur. Henceforth, you’ll see it peppered in here pretty liberally from now on. Enjoy!) You know what the best thing about this whole fiasco is? Greg Behrendt. The dude who wrote the book. And then convinced women to dive into all their detrimental neurosis by reading it and enjoying it and making sure everyone else knew they enjoyed it so much that a movie just had to made about it. Wow. Kudos, Greg. I don’t like you or your movie, but kudos.
Justin Long deserves better…
The Escapist (2008)
Or “The Way I Wish The Matrix Had Ended So I Could Have Raged On It FOREVER!” Because the way the Escapist ends is almost laughable. And I didn’t really see it coming because I still can’t really believe endings like this exist after 9-11. I thought all fairytales went down in smoke and rubble with those Twin Towers, but I guess I was wrong because the Escapist would have you believe that it is totally alright to pull the whole “Everything’s a Dream!” trick on you and that you wouldn’t want to stab this movie in its pudgy gut with an ice pick. Now THAT’S a fairytale, if I’ve ever heard one. And THAT’S a totally inappropriate way of using capitalization.
SHAME!
An Education (2009)
Really wanted this movie to be better than it was. No doubt Carrie Mulligan should have won the Oscar over the new Mrs. Cruel and Ironically Real Definition of The Term “Blind Side,” but the rest of the film just didn’t fully pop. Don’t get me wrong; it was rather good. But I wanted it to be really good. Like top 5 of the year good. And I don’t think it was. Great writing, as readily recognizable in the dialogue, and great acting, but the story just could have been something more overall. And I don’t know what that more is, but I feel it. Boo.
The Informant! (2009)
Damn it, Soderbergh.
Brothers (2009)
Surprisingly good. Not to me because I thought it might be. But to everyone else who hasn’t seen it; you will be pleasantly surprised. Filmed in New Mexico, although you probably don’t know it with all that Michael-Jackson-killing Transformers 2 (2009) noise clogging up the airwaves, the film actually tells an interesting story in an interesting way. I enjoyed it. That’s all. Good job, Brothers.
Cop Out (2010)
Kevin Smith directed this. And I’m glad I didn’t know it until the end. Tracy Morgan is hilarious. Everything else is just candy. Kind of pleasant as you consume it, but definitely doesn’t last past bed time. Should have stuck with it’s original title: “A Couple of Dicks.” Because I don’t think enough 12 to 17-year-old boys saw this travesty. Alas…
Good Hair (2009)
Alright, guys. Chris Rock doesn’t really know how to make a documentary. And I know he didn’t really do much in the actual production of it, but he did travel along the entire journey with the film and act as its on screen representation, so I do have to tell him this: You don’t really know how to make a documentary, Chris Rock. But that’s okay because the audience I think you were shooting for – black people – probably won’t care that much when they watch your opus about oppression and horribly misplaced priorities. And white people – or at least non-black people – won’t care either because the flick provides no method for them to help bridge the racial gap you presented or help alleviate the problem you see associated with “good hair.” The film doesn’t make anybody do anything. And that’s not good… Hair.
Ha. That was almost funny.
My Fair Lady (1964)
Wow, it’s long. But it’s a classic. And what I have to say about it doesn’t really matter in the great scheme of things because so many other worthwhile people have already said so many other worthwhile things about it. So I’ll just leave you with these words of wisdom and say good day:
Gutter snipe.
It’s all just getting better.
And the Oscar Goes to… RECAP!
So here’s a recap of my Oscar picks in a recycled format. Look for colors…
So this entire post is way late and way incomplete, but I still wanted to give you my Oscar predictions so I can hopefully say “I told you so” that I know movies and the dumb Academy’s reaction to them when it’s all said and done.
These picks are NOT who I think should win but rather who I think will win. So enjoy these picks and the show tonight and remember these words of wisdom:
It’s all make believe.
SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Mo’Nique. Sure thing to start off the show. You know how I feel about Penelope Cruz, but she won last year so there’s no way she’s winning again. Plus she was nominated for that horrible Rob Marshall catastrophe Nine. But I like it when Rob Marshall fails, so I guess it’s a win-win for everybody no matter what happens.
No doubt from the get-go. 1 for 1.
SUPPORTING ACTOR
Christoph Waltz. SUPER SURE THING. And super deserving. An absolute stunning turn as “The Jew Hunter.” The best thing about that pile of crap Tarantino called a movie. Oh, and by the way… I HATE TARANTINO. But I like you, Waltz. Good Nazi.
SUPER NO DOUBT. And by far he had the best acceptance speeches over the course of the entire award season. 2 for 2.
SCREENPLAY ORIGINAL
The Hurt Locker. Because if Inglourious Basterds wins, I may kill myself. I don’t want to live in a world that approves of Tarantino in any way, shape or form. Because I repeat… I HATE TARANTINO. Please, America… Save me!
Thank you for saving me, America. I heart life. 3 for 3.
SCREENPLAY ADAPTED
Precious. I refuse to write the rest of this pretentious title. And I really hope this cookie-cutter, melodramatic P.O.S. wins no awards whatsoever, but I know the sappy Academy too well to go against it in this category. Nevertheless… Go, Up in the Air, go!
BOOM! What did I say?! I know the sappy Academy better than they know themselves. I WRECK SAPPY. 4 for 4.
ANIMATED FEATURE
Up. Boring pick. Next.
Still a boring pick. 5 for 5.
SHORT ANIMATED FILM
La Dama y La Muerte. Who cares? (That’s not a question. Just a really snide comment.)
So many regrets! I threw Logorama here during my first draft and then I questioned myself because the choice was just “too cool” to me. Damn. 5 for 6.
ART DIRECTION
Avatar. Face it folks: This albatross is going to take all of the artistic and tech awards its up for. This is a result of its $500 million budget and America’s boner for movies ripping off Smurfs. That’s all.
Duh. But this is actually about to get really good… 6 for 7.
COSTUME DESIGN
The Young Victoria. Yeah. This sounds like a good pick. Probably. I think. I don’t know. Or care. That’s all.
When in doubt, always go with the Victorian-themed picture in the Costume category. It always wins. And no, I didn’t really realize there was another Victorian-themed flick in this category. Sometimes you just get lucky. 7 for 8.
MAKEUP
Star Trek. Otra vez… I don’t care.
I still don’t care. 8 for 9.
CINEMATOGRAPHY
Avatar. Again: Smurfs Boner. Sucks, huh, America?
America’s got that Smurfs boner. But it’s going to get better… 9 for 10.
SHORT FILM LIVE ACTION
Miracle Fish. This seems like a long-shot for me, event though I have never heard of any of these nominees nor care about them whatsoever. Still… Miracle Fish… Meh.
Yeah. Still have no idea about this category. Just totally random and unpredictable. Thanks, Miracle Fish. 9 for 11.
DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
Food, Inc. Hollywood is Liberal. And pretty much hates America. How do you feel about that, America? Hmmm…
Kind of second guessed myself here, too. The Cove was a no-brainer. But where is your Hollywood Liberalism when I need it, Hollywood? 9 for 12.
DOCUMENTARY SHORT
China’s Unnatural Disaster: The Tears of Sichuan Province. No idea about this one. Shot in the dark. Something about that “China” in there and the fact that Phelps won all those medals in summer 2008 that makes me think… Meh. Oh well…
If you had told me there was a movie about an armless-legless woman who teaches people in Africa to sing in this category, I definitely would not have missed this pick… The Shorts boned me. 9 for 13.
VISUAL EFFECTS
Avatar. SHOCK! Avatar wins another visual effect award! Alert the presses!
Still not shocking! But it will be… 10 for 14.
SOUND EDITING
Avatar. I hate you, Avatar.
And I heart The Hurt Locker! Here we go… 10 for 15.
SOUND MIXING
Avatar. Otra vez y de una vez por todas… I hate you, Avatar. Pero me gusto Espanol.
Otra vez… I HEART THE HURT LOCKER! 10 for 16.
FILM EDITING
Avatar. There. I took this clunker to the grave in all the tech and art categories. If it lives or dies I’ll be happy… But die, please.
!!! 10 for 17.
ORIGINAL SCORE
Up. But the Academy does got that boner for that Smurf flick, so don’t kill yourself if Avatar wins too. Or do kill yourself. I’m not picky.
One of those things I knew the moment I stepped into the theater and put on those horrible 3-D glasses. 11 for 18.
ORIGINAL SONG
“The Weary Kind (Theme from Crazy Heart).” Because I want Ryan Bingham to not only be the first Oscar nominated person I’ve ever met but also the first Oscar-winning person I’ve ever met. (I’ve actually met other Oscar-nominated people, I think. I just don’t care enough to remember them right now.) Check out this short film I shot of Bingham at the New Mexico State Capitol building a few weeks ago performing “The Weary Kind.” I’m going to get mad hits as soon as he wins today, so WIN TODAY, RYAN! Or else…
So very pleased. That short film I made has gotten over 4,000 views in the last three days. Thanks, Ryan. And congratulations. 12 for 19.
FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Un Prophete. Although The White Ribbon seems feasible also. I’ll pick Prophete because it’s a gangster flick and the Academy likes colors. I’m not talking colored people, per say. Just colors. Oh, and The White Ribbon is black and white. Yeah.
I still don’t really know what to think about this. I’m not really familiar with any of the nominees, but I certainly thought it was a two-horse race. Guess not… 12 for 20.
DIRECTING
The Hurt Locker. I’m going with this because she’s a chick. Kathryn Bigelow, that is. And I think they’re going to pick a chick this year. It just feels like it. And if the Academy does indeed screw up royally and give the big prize to Avatar, then I think this one is definitely going to Bigelow to make up for screwing her over in the end. Just like Cameron did way back when… BURN!!!
I hate you, Cameron.
I still hate you, Cameron. And probably always will. Yay! 13 for 21.
LEADING ACTOR
Jeff Bridges. This is one of those times when an actor finds the role he was born to play and plays it perfectly. And it’s about time Bridges is recognized and rewarded for years and years of good work. And he’s won practically every award up to this point, so yeah. Sure thing. Bravo, Bridges.
Going… 14 for 22.
LEADING ACTRESS
Sandra Bullock. Even though she should never, NEVER win an Oscar. She’s just not an Oscar-caliber actress. I’m sorry if you thought she was, America. She’s good. But Oscar good? And Oscar good in feel-good trash like The Blind Side?! Please, America. Everyone with a brain says Carey Mulligan should win this for An Education, but her studio did a horrible PR job in every way, and now we’re going to be handing Miss Congeniality the little gold man in a matter of hours. For shame, America. Shame…
Going… 15 for 23.
BEST PICTURE
The Hurt Locker. The only real competition is Avatar. And I am so very scared.
Please, America. Do something right for once.
KILL. THE. SMURFS.
Ah!
I heart film!
Gone.
R.I.P. Avatar.
Not really.
Ryan Bingham – The Weary Kind (Theme from Crazy Heart) from IATSE 480 on Vimeo.
And the Oscar Goes to…
So this entire post is way late and way incomplete, but I still wanted to give you my Oscar predictions so I can hopefully say “I told you so” that I know movies and the dumb Academy’s reaction to them when it’s all said and done.
These picks are NOT who I think should win but rather who I think will win. So enjoy these picks and the show tonight and remember these words of wisdom:
It’s all make believe.
SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Mo’Nique. Sure thing to start off the show. You know how I feel about Penelope Cruz, but she won last year so there’s no way she’s winning again. Plus she was nominated for that horrible Rob Marshall catastrophe Nine. But I like it when Rob Marshall fails, so I guess it’s a win-win for everybody no matter what happens.
SUPPORTING ACTOR
Christoph Waltz. SUPER SURE THING. And super deserving. An absolute stunning turn as “The Jew Hunter.” The best thing about that pile of crap Tarantino called a movie. Oh, and by the way… I HATE TARANTINO. But I like you, Waltz. Good Nazi.
SCREENPLAY ORIGINAL
The Hurt Locker. Because if Inglourious Basterds wins, I may kill myself. I don’t want to live in a world that approves of Tarantino in any way, shape or form. Because I repeat… I HATE TARANTINO. Please, America… Save me!
SCREENPLAY ADAPTED
Precious. I refuse to write the rest of this pretentious title. And I really hope this cookie-cutter, melodramatic P.O.S. wins no awards whatsoever, but I know the sappy Academy too well to go against it in this category. Nevertheless… Go, Up in the Air, go!
ANIMATED FEATURE
Up. Boring pick. Next.
SHORT ANIMATED FILM
La Dama y La Muerte. Who cares? (That’s not a question. Just a really snide comment.)
ART DIRECTION
Avatar. Face it folks: This albatross is going to take all of the artistic and tech awards its up for. This is a result of its $500 million budget and America’s boner for movies ripping off Smurfs. That’s all.
COSTUME DESIGN
The Young Victoria. Yeah. This sounds like a good pick. Probably. I think. I don’t know. Or care. That’s all.
MAKEUP
Star Trek. Otra vez… I don’t care.
CINEMATOGRAPHY
Avatar. Again: Smurfs Boner. Sucks, huh, America?
SHORT FILM LIVE ACTION
Miracle Fish. This seems like a long-shot for me, event though I have never heard of any of these nominees nor care about them whatsoever. Still… Miracle Fish… Meh.
DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
Food, Inc. Hollywood is Liberal. And pretty much hates America. How do you feel about that, America? Hmmm…
DOCUMENTARY SHORT
China’s Unnatural Disaster: The Tears of Sichuan Province. No idea about this one. Shot in the dark. Something about that “China” in there and the fact that Phelps won all those medals in summer 2008 that makes me think… Meh. Oh well…
VISUAL EFFECTS
Avatar. SHOCK! Avatar wins another visual effect award! Alert the presses!
SOUND EDITING
Avatar. I hate you, Avatar.
SOUND MIXING
Avatar. Otra vez y de una vez por todas… I hate you, Avatar. Pero me gusto Espanol.
FILM EDITING
Avatar. There. I took this clunker to the grave in all the tech and art categories. If it lives or dies I’ll be happy… But die, please.
ORIGINAL SCORE
Up. But the Academy does got that boner for that Smurf flick, so don’t kill yourself if Avatar wins too. Or do kill yourself. I’m not picky.
ORIGINAL SONG
“The Weary Kind (Theme from Crazy Heart).” Because I want Ryan Bingham to not only be the first Oscar nominated person I’ve ever met but also the first Oscar-winning person I’ve ever met. (I’ve actually met other Oscar-nominated people, I think. I just don’t care enough to remember them right now.) Check out this short film I shot of Bingham at the New Mexico State Capitol building a few weeks ago performing “The Weary Kind.” I’m going to get mad hits as soon as he wins today, so WIN TODAY, RYAN! Or else…
FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Un Prophete. Although The White Ribbon seems feasible also. I’ll pick Prophete because it’s a gangster flick and the Academy likes colors. I’m not talking colored people, per say. Just colors. Oh, and The White Ribbon is black and white. Yeah.
DIRECTING
The Hurt Locker. I’m going with this because she’s a chick. Kathryn Bigelow, that is. And I think they’re going to pick a chick this year. It just feels like it. And if the Academy does indeed screw up royally and give the big prize to Avatar, then I think this one is definitely going to Bigelow to make up for screwing her over in the end. Just like Cameron did way back when… BURN!!!
I hate you, Cameron.
LEADING ACTOR
Jeff Bridges. This is one of those times when an actor finds the role he was born to play and plays it perfectly. And it’s about time Bridges is recognized and rewarded for years and years of good work. And he’s won practically every award up to this point, so yeah. Sure thing. Bravo, Bridges.
LEADING ACTRESS
Sandra Bullock. Even though she should never, NEVER win an Oscar. She’s just not an Oscar-caliber actress. I’m sorry if you thought she was, America. She’s good. But Oscar good? And Oscar good in feel-good trash like The Blind Side?! Please, America. Everyone with a brain says Carey Mulligan should win this for An Education, but her studio did a horrible PR job in every way, and now we’re going to be handing Miss Congeniality the little gold man in a matter of hours. For shame, America. Shame…
BEST PICTURE
The Hurt Locker. The only real competition is Avatar. And I am so very scared.
Please, America. Do something right for once.
KILL. THE. SMURFS.
Ah!
I heart film!
Weekly Ramble: I ALREADY WORK AROUND THE CLOCK! … 2!
A.K.A. Lost in New York and in the many projects I have on my plate right now. I’m putting the finishing touches on my latest film before it premieres next month, so that pretty much takes all of my waking and sleeping mental capacity and time. So I’m missing movies right now. And I will be for a while. So I hope this pearl of wisdom tides you over in the meantime:
Don’t ever rent a movie from Redbox unless it has an actual image for its box cover. You will be gravely disappointed. I have made this mistake twice, folks, and have paid the price both times…
Diarrhea.
No, not diarrhea, really. But still, I was hurting.
Diarrhea.
Classy.
Antichrist (2009)
People make movies for many different reasons. Some are definitely better than others. Lars Van Trier did not have a good reason to make a movie, yet he made one anyway. That film is Antichrist. And other than the superbly shot black and white opening scene, the rest of the film contains no beauty, no virtue, no redeeming qualities. I should probably be more angry with Van Trier, a controversially master filmmaker, for using his considerable talents to make such trash, but I’m not. I just really, really hope to never make a movie this baseless and intrinsically horrible. Basically, Antichrist is all about stating that woman are evil. That’s it. And that’s not good.
Movies are tools of influence and change, people. Proceed with caution…
Funny People (2009)
Or “Not Funny People,” rather. Because this movie isn’t funny. Raaaaaaaandy is funny. But Raaaaaaaandy is always funny. And nobody else is. Don’t see this movie. Please. Or do see it. And die. I’m not picky.
I repeat: Don’t ever rent a movie from Redbox unless it has an actual image for its box cover! First Duplicity (2009) lit the fire and then Funny People burnt me to pieces. DON’T DO IT, AMERICA! It’s just safer that way.
DIARRHEA!
Weekly Ramble: I Wanna Rock Right Now
Have you heard that new Snoop song that samples “It Takes Two” by Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock because it’s BANGIN’!?
And that wasn’t really a question or a declaration even though the punctuation would make you believe otherwise.
And I’m actually talking about just the sample and not the entire song. Just the beginning of the chorus were the sample takes place. It is BANGIN’!?
And sometimes I just thoroughly enjoy throwing punctuation in where it doesn’t belong because this is America and I got freedoms.
Amen
The Ugly Truth (2009)
The producers were like, “Hey, Gerard Butler, how about you just freestyle all your lines and center them around your totally chauvinistic personal beliefs concerning women and dating and banging them, and then we’ll get the shrewish Katherine Heigl to come play the same clueless, over-controlling man-eater that she plays in nearly all her movies, and then we’ll put a heart where your penis goes on the one sheet and throw another one by her vapidly empty head, and then we’ll release this flick during the summer swoon to amazed audiences and rave reviews?!” And then Gerard Butler was like, “That sounds good, producers, in my Lothario Irish accent, but could we just toss out the whole ‘amazed audiences and rave reviews’ part? I have a reputation to protect.” And the producers were like, “Whatever you say, Gerard… Zip.”
And Gerard’s pants hit the floor.
And this movie was made.
And that, my friends, is indeed “The Ugly Truth.”
Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all week…
The Proposal (2009)
Who would have guessed that The Ugly Truth would be a better movie than this run-of-the-mill Rom-Com?! Not me, but now one thing is official: The Golden Globes hold no weight whatsoever when it comes to recognizing actual talent or rewarding real achievement. Copy that last statement down and hold it against me for the rest of my life. Read it when you get up to give me all those awards, Golden Globes. Get a good laugh about it. Feel justified. But the fact remains that once upon a time you nominated The Proposal for a Globe in the Feature Comedy category, and now you suck. That’s all. Suck. Sincerely, Christopher Michael Roybal… A completely unconventional all-star cast keeps this boat afloat. With Craig T. Nelson: “Coachin’” his way past that Devil’s Advocate (1997) acquittal and right into an Alaskan empire with the former Mrs. Doc Emmett Brown – who no longer makes good movies, if you remember this fondly – and that sort-of-Puerto-Rican stripper guy being hilarious and unshaven, and the incomparably-hot but sadly-not-naked Malin Akerman pulling the whole “whatever makes you happy” card out of her lovably low-self-esteem hat, and the one-and-only Betty White, still bringing that Golden Girl fire and crazy-old-person unpredictability and joy some 237 years into her career. And there were just a ton of hyphenated and mis-hyphenated and make-believe words in these last two sentences sentence, and I didn’t even mention Sandra Bullock may actually win an Oscar this year – HOW?! – and remind all of you out there once again a very important life lesson:
“Keep your friends close and keep Ryan Reynolds closer.”
Because his charm will drop your girl’s guard and his abs will drop her panties and this, coincidentally, will drop your heart.
And no amount of Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock’s classic hit “It Takes Two” will be able to fix any of that.
Believe me…
Sniffle.
Weekly Ramble: I ALREADY WORK AROUND THE CLOCK!
Yo.
In case any of you haven’t heard yet…
I ALREADY WORK AROUND THE CLOCK!
And, therefore, I don’t have time to come up with an original opening for this post.
*Tear.
Moonstruck (1987)
That totally amazing woman with whom I watched Memoirs of a Geisha (2005) kindly introduced me to this little gem also, and I’m telling you now, America, in a totally off-topic way: This woman is really, REALLY amazing. And I’m lucky to know it… Onward… I read somewhere that this flick made some list about being one of the most overrated flicks of all time. Right after watching Moonstruck, I didn’t think that whatsoever… but then I read on IMDB that it was nominated for SIX OSCARS and actually won three… including a best screenplay statue for one JOHN PATRICK SHANLEY!!! That’s right folks, the same J.P.S. who wrote and directed Doubt (2008): The feature film that reached so far for any sort of award-show recognition and failed so, so miserably. J.P.S. wrote Moonstruck. And now I don’t know what to think… Except for this: I liked Moonstruck. That’s right. I liked everything about it. The story, the acting – including Cher in the part she was born to play and the crash after playing, and the incomperable Nic Cage doing what Nic Cage does and that’s NUTTING UP – and even the immense Italian-ness of the proceedings. And for those of you that sort of really know me, you realize the fact that I even could tolerate the immense Italian-ness is an amazing thing because I DESPISE YOU, DUCHOVNY! And ITALIANS too! And that was probably the sweetest double burn of my life… Bask in my glow, America… BASK! … Moonstruck is a fun little flick and probably might have even deserved those Oscars in the horrendous cinematic year of 1987. So don’t hate on me for liking Cher, Nic Cage and immense Italian-ness and also despising immense Italian-ness at the same time. I’m a legend, America. I do things you can’t possibly understand.
But you will…
Soon…
Foreshadow…
The Hurt Locker (2008)
You know what? … I really wish I hadn’t fallen asleep for like 30 minutes of this. Because upon re-watching, The Hurt Locker just didn’t hit me like I thought it would, and this fact is particularly scary because before watching it, I was totally confident that this film was going to win the Oscar and keep the Academy from doing a really stupid thing by handing Avatar (2009) the little gold statue, and now I just don’t know… America, you know you’re fundamentally stupid and tasteless, right? Well, the Academy is even stupider and more tasteless to a very large degree. And Avatar is the really stupid pick for Best Picture this year. So I’m scared. Really scared… But now I’m off the subject… On a similar note, how does The Hurt Locker even qualify for the Oscar much less any other awards this season when it premiered in 2008, and as I distinctly remember, won admiration at the Independent Spirit Awards last year? … Ah. There I go. As I wrote that last sentence, I decided to actually research my facts and found out that the film did indeed premiere oversees in 2008, but not in the U.S. until March 2009… AND … It didn’t win any Independent Spirit Awards. And I’m ashamed of my memory.
Cocaine is a hell of a drug, kids.
Holla.
Oh, and The Hurt Locker is very good. But not good enough to keep me awake the whole time apparently.
(P.S. I know I’m not giving The Hurt Locker the proper review it deserves whatsoever. It’s going to win the Oscar. But I’ll get to that later. Promise.)
Cocaine!
*Tear.
Weekly Ramble: Awards Season
What a wack title for a blog post. But I’m currently watching the Golden Globes – gag – and I fully realize that awards season is now in full effect and I’ll have to put up with it and moderately revel in it until the Oscars are given out and I torment myself with the question, “Do I want to win every Oscar I’m nominated for or none whatsoever, like Kubrick?”
Damn it.
There’s no easy answer to that question, but I hope to find one one day. Until that time, I’ll just stand by this:
I HATE, HATE, HATE DREW BERRYMORE!
I knew she was going to win for Grey Gardens, but that still doesn’t make it okay.
Damn it.
Los Abrazos Rotos (2009)
Or “Broken Embraces” by the one-and-only Pedro Almodovar, for all your spoiled English-only Americans out there. Let me tell you: I really wanted to love this film. Like really, really, really wanted to. Like as much as I hate Drew Berrymore, I wanted to love Broken Embraces just as much.
Damn it.
Understand this: Pedro Almodovar is one of my five favorite directors, along with Steven Soderbergh, Christopher Nolan, Martin Scorsese and Stanley Kubrick. For this reason, it is difficult if almost impossible for me to not like anything that Almodovar does. And for this reason, I will probably never rail against anything Almodovar is involved with. Including Broken Embraces. Especially Broken Embraces. Because even though it is far from perfect, it is still pretty damn good.
Since viewing this pic last Wednesday, I contemplated really putting my heart and soul into an extensive and highly detailed review, but ultimately I decided against it. The reason is rather simple: I don’t really review films in any sort of extensive or highly detailed manner on this site. I mostly make fun of films. A lot. And every now and then, I’ll watch something really good and recommend it. But I rarely write more than 100 or so words for every film anymore, and I don’t really want Broken Embraces to break the mold too badly even if I do adore Almodovar. So here goes a not-too-short, not-too-long look back at my favorite film of the year so far.
Penélope Cruz is officially my favorite actress. After seeing Elegy (2008) and Broken Embraces in the span of a week and thinking back to how great she’s been over the last few years in flicks such as Volver (2006) and Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008) , I have decided without a shadow of a doubt that she is my favorite leading lady, and I hope, hope, hope to one day find a muse who is even the slightest bit as talented and beautiful as Cruz to write all my films for. Almodovar knew exactly what he was doing when he discovered Cruz way back when and continued to cast her in his peliculas. Almodovar always knows exactly what he is doing. And in Broken Embraces, he ventures in a different direction than the one he so often took in his youth. Gone are many of his more scintillating, scathing and sensational story lines and characters that filled his earlier works, and now we find in Broken Embraces a protagonist that greatly reflects the Spanish director himself in many respects at this point in his life: Harry Caine AKA Mateo Blanco AKA the man who loses his identity and himself completely when he loses the woman he loves. Caine is an ex-filmmaker, current-writer who is blind and aging when we meet him, and quickly we are thrown into his world and are introduced to the many layered and important characters we have become accustomed to seeing in Almodovar works. I don’t want to say to much else about the plot because I really want you to see this film for yourself and make your own conclusions. But I will say that the story very much has all sentimentality, lushness, and twists and turns Almodovar is so good at creating, and the ending is appropriate and pleasant, even if I do think it came a little too easy. Overall, Broken Embraces does not fail to please and prepares us to see even more experimentation from Almodovar as he enters the twilight of his career.
Believe it or not, this is the first Almodovar film I have actually seen in a theater. And I am so glad I did. Please check it out when you have a chance. You won’t be sorry.
Memoirs of a Geisha (2005)
This very amazing woman recommended Geisha to me and was even kind enough to accompany me as I watched it for the first time… Ahhh! How pleasant… Apart from many factual inaccuracies, Rob Marshall being involved, and the glaringly offensive problem that everyone in this clearly Asian world spoke English, I enjoyed Geisha. It wasn’t too heavy or too empty, it had a likable protagonist and formidable antagonists for me to root against, and overall the cinematography and tone was very enjoyable. I’d say this is the best Rob Marshall work I have ever seen, even though the only other Rob Marshall work I’ve seen is Chicago (2002), and Chicago sucked balls. So needless to say, I don’t like Rob Marshall, and I hope I never will. And that makes the fact that I enjoyed Geisha even that much more surprising and important. Or maybe not. I don’t know. All I do know is that I read in the trivia section of IMDB that this flick was banned in China because Chinese actresses played Japanese Geishas, and I can totally relate. We need to respect all our different cultures, people, and some lines we shouldn’t cross – like having Chinese play Japanese Geishas – even if it is artistic license and “make believe.” It all matters. And that’s why you’ll never see a Mexican or Guatemalan or Puerto Rican playing any of the Hispanic parts in my films. It’s about thinning the heard, people. We’re not all the same sort of sheep. So lets not let people treat us like we are.
And for those of you who understood that last little ramble… bravo.
You’re thinking.
Inglourious Basterds (2009)
F*ck Tarantino. I repeat. F*ck Tarantino. And f*ck all of you who have helped make this flick the 69th highest ranked film on IMDB. F*ck IMDB. I no longer have any respect for its ratings or ratings system. As long as you allow idiots who like flicks like this one rank movies on your site, IMDB, f*ck you. I hope you burn in a movie theater full of Nazis.
Ah! Revenge…
Weekly Ramble: I Will PWN 2010
I am going to watch triple digits this year.
That means 100 and more.
No. Freaking. Doubt.
Ready…
Set…
…
ORALE!
Duplicity (2009)
Wow. Not good at all. Like I mean at all. Just a terribly unentertaining movie-going experience. And I totally was not expecting this from the writer of the Bourne trilogy. Although he also wrote and directed the horribly overrated flick Michael Clayton (2007) too, so I guess I should stifle my surprise. Don’t see Duplicity. I mean, you can if you want. But you’re stupid if you do. Really.
My condolences, Clive Owen. A part of me died too.
Nobel Son (2007)
Nobly creative and somewhat ingenious but overall nothing amazing. Except for that one scene on the roof with Eliza Dushku and her lace panties. Oh my. Eliza Dushku is my 2010 version of Kristen Stewart. I will flock to her like wildebeests flock to slowly drying Serengeti ponds before the lions get them, and I will quench my insatiable thirst for awkward hotness and mediocrity. I AM A WILDEBEEST. Eliza Dushku will be my lioness and consume me up completely. Ah… Next to that, Alan Rickman made me want to hate him in a good way, Bryan Greenberg made me wonder why he keeps getting work, and Mary Steenburgen reinforced the fact that Back to the Future Part III (1990) was maybe the most career destroying film of all time because nobody who acted in it really did anything particularly interesting or noteworthy after it except for Michael J. Fox. And I’m not going to make any Parkinson’s jokes because it’s 2010 and I should probably try and grow up by now. Maybe. But I will say never mess with Shawn Hatosy. Because I will shank you if he doesn’t. And I’m pretty sure he will.
We’ve all been warned.
Elegy (2008)
Okay. Not trying to be disgusting or piggish really all at, but… Penelope Cruz probably does indeed have the most perfect breasts ever. Ben Kingsley says it in the film, and I think I agree completely. Well, his character says it in the film while admiring the transfixing Senorita Cruz , but still… For a film about precise, worrisome and slow beauty, Elegy could not have picked a better leading lady. And you can never go wrong with Sir Ben Kingsley… unless you give him a horrible New York accent circa 1994… So much happened in this film. Like so, so much. And it caught me by surprise in a good way. Superb acting and top-notch cinematography. A few minor over-dramatized plot points, but overall just a very worthwhile film. Penelope’s boobs and all.
Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day (2008)
Let me tell you… I’m so glad that Miss Pettigrew was able to live for an entire day for once. She had such a tough and unrewarding life. She deserved it wholeheartedly… Who would have thought Amy Adams could play a slut so convincingly? And then totally make you forget about that and still hope she ends up with the love of her life?! This is grade A-acting, people. I haven’t seen stuff this good since Lindsay Lohan shot her career in the back of the head execution style while filming Georgia Rule (2007). Alert the media! This girl’s got it… Light, fluffy comedy to make that lady in your life think you’re sweet and playful by suggesting you watch it together in the first place. And then she’ll snuggle.
You can thank me later, America. Trust me…
Bringing Out The Dead (1999)
All I will say about this film is this:
Nicholas Cage once said about his movie Face/Off (1997):
“Without tooting my own horn – I think it’s a masterpiece.”
And Scorsese made this film two years AFTER that quote.
Wow…
Just wow…
Rescue Dawn (2006)
Okay. So I may be giving Werner Herzog way more credit than he deserves. I haven’t really seen firsthand why he should be regarded as such a masterful filmmaker. I do think he’s a talented director, but I don’t think I should have been blindly singing his praises all these years and just assuming every film he makes is good. Rescue Dawn is good. But it’s not spectacular or even as good as I so adamantly believed it would be. Christian Bale does a great acting job, as usual, and the story plays out in a purposeful and altogether appropriate way, but… TIMOTHY TREADWELL GOT EATEN BY A FREAKIN’ BEAR! And Werner Herzog let it happen! Okay, maybe “let it happen” are too strong of words, but still… You peaked with Grizzly Man (2005), Herzog. And you earned my respect and untimely fear at the same time. So what in the hell more do you want from me?!
TREADWELL!
Transsiberian (2008)
I just noticed that the last film I review in each post is reviewed by me in a very hurried and haphazard way because I am tired of writing by now and just want to get this thing over with so I can go do something else hurriedly and haphazardly. This fact, however, will not be changing today. Therefore…
Transsiberian is about clueless Woody Harrelson nutting over trains while cold-as-ice Emily Mortimer kills a guy, steals a whole bunch of drug money and then lies to the feds.
Oh, and there IS a happy ending for all involved.
Really.
Nothing truly bad happens.
Unless you consider stealing drug money and lying to the feds and killing dudes a bad thing.
There you go.
I DO!
Weekly Ramble: 80 Does It!
80.
I did it, America.
80, damn it.
And it feels good.
80!!!
AHHH!!!
Life is good.
Rudo y Cursi (2008)
I really like Gael Garcia Bernal and Diego Luna. They’re just top notch, especially Diego playing an old man to an absolute tee. Any movie about soccer other than Goal II: Living the Dream (2007) pretty much is a plus in my book to begin with. I fully realize Alfonso Cuaron’s brother probably only got the chance to direct this because he is Alfonso Cuaron’s brother, but the fact remains that he didn’t screw the film up and he just let Gael and Diego shine and I appreciate that. And the film didn’t make me like Mexico any more than I do – I don’t like it whatsoever – so that’s a plus too. Just a really enjoyable film and an absolute priceless music video… Wink, wink…
Gamer (2009)
In any other year, this would easily be the worst flick released. But 2009 was not an ordinary year. No! 2009 ushered in a whole new level of crappiness… Avatar-crappiness, if you may. I actually didn’t mind the concept this flick was based on… way back when it was used in The Running Man (1987). I guess ever since 9-11 happened, it’s okay to remake these high concept spectacles but way more sensational and not good. Ah, the price we pay for progress. Or not at all. I don’t really care. Blah.
The Brothers Bloom (2008)
I hope someone close to Wes Anderson is making sure he doesn’t kill himself because Rian Johnson just made a Wes Anderson flick but a billion percent better. Rian Johnson is a really talented director. So much so that we actually have no real need for Wes Anderson in society anymore, I believe. Oh well. Seasons change. Superb acting all around. Rachel Weisz seems to just keep getting better and better at stealing the show. And the caper just keeps twisting and turning and keeping you on your toes. And it even ends as happily as it should. The verdict is in: I must get my hands on Brick (2005) ASAP. Rian Johnson, I’m pleased with you. Now don’t mess it up…
OR ELSE…
Fast & Furious (2009)
Not better than The Fast and the Furious (2001) but just as good as The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006). Well, maybe not just as good, but right up there and destined to be better than the 5th installment… whenever that P.O.S. gets made. Kudos to giving the entire film a Latino vibe, even if I am not Latino whatsoever. It’s wonderful watching Paul Walker age and become less talented because he was never that talented to begin with but he’ll never be more perfectly cast than in the Furious series, so watching this dance between mediocrity and not-quite-perfection keeps me grinning and shaking my head at the same time, and I like that. And I have nothing bad to say about Vin Diesel. Because as it is widely known, Vin Diesel’s credo can be found by rearranging the letters in his name: I END LIVES.
Yes, you do, Diesel. Inside or outside of the closet. Yes, you do.
Sherlock Holmes (2009)
I don’t want to write anything for this because Guy Ritchie sucks. And he didn’t always suck. Just since marrying Madonna. And I pointed this out for my Rocknrolla (2008) review. So let me say this about Sherlock and leave it like that: Guy Ritchie sucks. Madonna did it to him. And time travel does NOT exist. Because if it did, I’d be going back to when I was 17 and would try and stop Ritchie before he took that Succubus plunge and destroyed all hope of a decent Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998) sequel.
Ah! To be 17 again…
*Tear.